An unfunny screed about people who screw up comedy shows…
Last night I was fortunate enough to see the Louie C.K. show at Heinz Hall. We had pretty amazing seats in the first balcony, and it was a great experience. Louie was hilarious as ever, it was overall a great experience, marred by only one thing.
Throughout the show, a dimwitted woman sat behind us and spouted odd moralistic responses to every one of Louie’s comments. If he said, “I get paid for being an asshole,” she would respond, “You got that right!” in a valley girl voice. If he talked about raping babies, she would respond, “What’s wrong with this guy?” Most of the show had this running commentary throughout. She was the kind of person that Louie would love to destroy verbally, and it would have been great to watch.
It was mindblowing to me. These tickets were over $50. It’s hard to imagine the shocking narcissism it requires to be so unaware of the world around you that 2,400 people can all love a show, and you think you’re the one who’s right about it. Taking offense to a comedy show is one of the most pointless things a person can do. Every night comics have to listen to idiots who complain to them while they try to tell jokes, essentially saying, “I want to hear the kind of jokes I like!” Toddler activities.
I have been in shows at which the comic has offended me. In these scenarios, I have always considered it a “me” thing, and not a performer thing, with one exception. A few years ago I attended a variety show at which a musician friend was the opener. Later in the show, a particularly awful comic took the stage… he was new to standup, and he was a stranger to funny things. For this guy, “then I raped her” would have been his end tag, punchline, and callback. He was terrible.
I was stuck front and center, completely unamused, and apparently very threatening to look at, so this shithead opted to integrate me into his crowd work. During his tirade at me (for not laughing) he told me that I should go on crack to lose weight, and repeatedly hit me with fast food restaurant insults that any 2nd grader would have loved. I didn’t say anything, however, because I knew I was in the “fair game” seat… front and center. I also I knew then as I know now, that heckling is wrong. The heckler is always wrong.
In retrospect, though, I should have stood up and said, “I’m not laughing at you, you fuck, because you suck and you’re not funny. Get off the stage and stop doing this forever, you piece of shit.” It would be heckling technically, and yet not. Because this guy was already heckling me FROM the stage. He was picking on me for being fat and not laughing at his rape screeds. If you go straight to insulting before you were funny in the first place, you’re the one who was wrong.
This event stuck with me for a long time, though… I did nothing in the comedy scene for a full year. (Being hugely fat isn’t normally a raw, humiliating experience, but it will, once every few years, expose a person to a core-shattering insult that will regress a person back into their childhood, and it sucks. And it’s MUCH worse for women, I’m really not complaining.)
Towards the end of his show, Louie did a few minutes of material about someday being hugely obese. They were jokes I could have easily taken to heart, but I didn’t choose to. I can bristle at a few things, but I know that Louie is an amazing comic, and I’m with him for the journey. He’s earned the right to hit a little too close to home, and he does it skillfully, so that it’s not him insulting me, it feels like us insulting ourselves.
If you ever find yourself stuck in a comedy show you aren’t enjoying because you are offended, it’s very easy to get up and leave. Don’t stick around and devalue the rest of the crowd’s experience with your infantile commentary. If jokes offend you, you’re really better off not going to comedy shows.
Original Lyrics to Johnny Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue”
Johnny Cash was an artist who was famous for bucking the system, for always writing songs in his own style. But did you know that one particular Johnny Cash song was changed due to pressure from the record company? Originally Cash’s “A Boy Named Sue” didn’t have the saccharine happy ending as the version we’ve all come to know. Following are the original, rarely-seen lyrics to the classic hit.
The song is about a boy whose father left him at a very young age, but not before saddling him with the name “Sue”. The lyrics are the same for the entire first section of the song. But after the protagonist meets his father, the original lyrics are quite a bit different. Finally we can see the original, true version of Johnny Cash’s great work before the busybodies and censors took their scissors to it.
You can see the recorded version of the lyrics in full here for comparison: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnnycash/aboynamedsue.html
The changed lyrics start right after this stanza of the song:
“I tell ya, I’ve fought tougher men
But I really can’t remember when,
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss,
He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,
He stood there lookin’ at me and I saw him smile. “
-Johnny Cash, A Boy Named Sue (recorded version)
The original lyrics that ended the song:
And he said, “Son, the fact that Sue’s your name
Is not my fault, I can’t take the blame
And your mother’s just as complicit as anyone
It’s not my fault she was such a fool
When she signed you up to go to school
And actually wrote that name on the stupid form“It’s not that hard to get your name changed
As long as you’ve got the court fees arranged
Or you could have just used your first initial “S”
And when people asked you what the S stood for,
You coulda just lied and said “Steve” or ignored
‘em and your life would be better than you’d ever guess“The reason “Sue” is on your record of birth
Was a transcription error by the nurse
Did you ever find it strange your middle name is “Perman?”
And it’s obvious that you’re not-so-bright
If you went by “Sue” your entire life
You’re a dillweed and a pud who I can’t stand”So I looked my pa right in the eye
My eyes got moist, and I started to cry
And then I slit him neck to nuts before he could speak again
And I think about him, now and then
As I mail his viscera to every congressman
And if I ever have a son, I think I’m gonna name him…Nancy or Bill or Slipstream Yip Yeehaw!
Everybody Pees
It's Calvin Peeing. You've seen it.
For several years spanning the late 90s and early 2000s, Bill Watterson’s Calvin appeared on the backs of vehicles in hundreds of configurations. Sometimes he pees on the logo of a car brand’s competitor. “I drive a Ford. Pee on Chevy!” Sometimes it was a statement against foreign cars. On rare, stupid occasions, it was a statement against the person’s own car. “He’s peeing on my car logo! I just like things to be peed on!” You could use a Dallas Cowboys sticker, an IUP sticker… pretty much anything you disliked could fit into the “Calvin Pees” universe.
Bill Watterson, of course, never designed this artwork, nor would he sanction it. Calvin and Hobbes fans and purists (of which I am not one) found the stickers to be an offensive denigration of a beloved character. It occurs to me now that if the sticker featured Bart Simpson, the fans wouldn’t have nearly as much to be upset about, as the behavior is much more in-character.
This is all long-since-ancient news, but occasionally I still see the old stickers and am swept up in nostalgia for a more urine-soaked time. If I would have released decals, I would have gone with these.
Calvin Pees on the real Calvin & Hobbes
Calvin pees on Bill Watterson
Our Daughters’ Daughters Will Adore Us
I saw this on the back of an SUV this morning, and immediately thought to myself that 1. the driver is stupid, and 2. that’s so derivative! Because I know there was a Kerry version from the ’04 election. I think the font for the Kerry one was probably a bit more elegant… but that’s probably still political bias.
Then I immediately realized that the subject of the sticker was unimportant, as long as it’s made clear that the current holder-of-office is doing a poor job. Here is my own revised version of the bumper sticker.
My Version
If you feel strongly enough, just grab a white paint marker and write in a candidate! But I’m just using mine as pictured.
I thought this was a weird thing to print on the back of my rice package.
Followers Part the Third
The Billy Joel We Didn’t Start The Fire Followers Project has so far been a 100% bust. I have progressed through to the end of the first stanza, through Joe McCarthy, North Korea, all the way to Marilyn Monroe… still not one indication of a follower based on these tweets. Marilyn Monroe! I would have expected no less than five spam followers from that tweet alone. I guarantee I will get spam comments on this blog entry just for mentioning Marilyn Monroe.
To add insult to injury, I made one tweet mentioning Meatloaf earlier this week and almost immediately I got a new follower: @MeatloafRecipes.
The Mr. Ed Conundrum (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Set Up Us The Bomb)
Mister Ed: I Heart Huckabees Prequel?
I got the Mister Ed theme in my head today, and realized for the first time that this song creates a paradox out of the show that makes it extremely self-referential. Was Mister Ed the first postmodern sitcom?
“A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
And no one can talk to a horse of course
That is, of course, unless the horse
Is the famous Mister Ed.”
-Theme to Mister Ed
But if you’ve ever watched Mister Ed, you know that he is not famous, at all, for being a talking horse. In fact his owner, Wilbur, never tells anyone about Mister Ed’s speaking ability, not even his wife. He is the unknown Mister Ed.
In other words, the only reason Mister Ed is famous is because he has a TV show, thus a reason to have a theme song. The song is not referring to the character Mister Ed, but the pop culture icon Mister Ed. In other words, Mister Ed was a meta show, referring to itself within itself. The horse might have become famous within the show for other achievements (winning a race comes to mind) but never because of his talking. Having met this famous horse, you couldn’t, as the song suggests, “Talk to Mr. Ed.” Only Wilbur could do that.
What’s more, since the show opens making this statement about the “famous Mister Ed”, it is bragging right out of the gate. Pun intended. It’s basically like an early 60′s black and white Tenacious D. “Yeah, I’m famous. I may be stuck in this barn talking to only one dude, but you know I’m famous… how else would you know about me?”
It should also be noted that the character of Mister Ed is credited in the show as “Mister Ed as Himself”. The two actors most responsible for Mister Ed’s fame, the voice of the character, Allan Lane, and the horse himself, Bamboo Harvester, were never credited.
Followers Part Two
Bad news on the followers front…in a sad turn of events, I have managed to lose the very two followers I mentioned in my last post, @Carsurance AND @Vertfreak_PA. Carsurance I get… that’s clearly a company of some sort, my follow might have been a clerical error. But Vertfreak Pennsylvan and I were going to be good buddies… I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
Luckily, though, I have gained @DeloraStreitenb, whose last tweet was “How to fit or replace a shower pump – Plumbing Tips http://tiny.ly/DA97″. I don’t know exactly what a shower pump is, but it sounds fairly self-explanatory. I’m sure the knowledge will apply to other things as well!
I haven’t seen any followers directly related to my Billy Joel project yet… but it’s early. The song starts out less incendiary… which is necessary, because the titular fire isn’t mentioned until the chorus. If Harry Truman had started the fire, the whole need for the song would be nullified!
The last post was “Red China”, and with those shitty right wing propaganda ads currently on TV, I’m hoping that one will bring me some serious spam action.
“Now they all work for us!” Evil laughter.
The Billy Joel We Didn’t Start The Fire Twitter Followers Project
Last week I posted this on Twitter:
@EricSDonaldson Quick tip to increase followers: First tweet all lines to “We Didn’t Start The Fire” one by one, then REM’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)”.
While I consider it funny, I’m also sure it will increase followers. Being on Twitter these past two years has taught me that a mere mention of any popular item will earn the tweeter one or more unsolicited followers. These followers are mostly spam-bots set to search for certain phrases. Many of them are set to automatically unfollow after a few days if the “followship” goes unreciprocated.
What better, then, to quickly inflate your followers, than a pre-made list of historical and pop culture references that has built-in irony?
I’ve decided to embark on the project, which I’ll call the Billy Joel We Didn’t Start The Fire Followers Project. Every night I will tweet one lyric from the song, adding the hashtags #billyjoel and #wedidntstartthefirefollowersproject, so I can find them and delete them easily when I’m all finished. (I don’t want my feed to always be polluted with this silliness!) I’ll also get the follower benefits from any Billy Joel spambots. The tweets will go out at 4:30 am, to avoid any legitimate follower fallout during the waking hours.
Why inflate my followers? While I enjoy Twitter a lot, and find it a great place to write and get jokes out, it’s kind of a lonely place. Like anyone, I’m writing jokes that I want the world to see. (And laugh at, if they so choose.) The world can find my tweets, but the world isn’t taking advantage, so much. I’m not getting myself out there. I’m not really competitive about followers, but I want my stuff to reach more than the 125 or so people who I have me in their feed. It’s quite possible that what I’m generally doing on Twitter doesn’t actually warrant any more followers, which is fine too. This is just a silly way to get myself out there a little more.
I should mention that I’ve been a Billy Joel fan since childhood. What started as an irony-free love for the man’s music has morphed over the years to a somewhat more caged enjoyment, but I still think he was a great songwriter. I hedge to even mention this, because being a Billy Joel fan is somehow uncooler than anime fandom, band geekery, or counted cross-stitch. It’s uncool to the uncool kids… a rare hotspot of universal disdain. (Billy Joel Fans excepted, and when you find them, you usually start up a 12 step group together.) I can stand prouder of my fandom of ABBA, Barry Manilow, and Neil Diamond much more readily than of Billy Joel.
Last night, my first night of posting, I accidentally mis-dated two of the tweets, letting Johnny Ray and Marilyn Monroe out into the ether too early, for maybe five minutes. They’ve been course-corrected now. Harry Truman is the first entry.
I have woken up to two new followers: @Carsurance and @Vertfreak_PA (Vertfreak Pennsylvan by name). As I glance through my tweet timeline, both of these seem entirely unwarranted, though I am probably missing something.
Eric’s Guide to Tipping Your Server
How much is appropriate to tip your server? Finally there is a solution! If you follow all of these steps, you can easily solve your gratuity conundrum! Hint: This article would be great to clip out and keep in your wallet! Do that!
Are you like me? If you’re like me, often times you are having a lovely stroll through the outdoors, even at the risk of sniper fire. Yet other times, you’re sitting indoors, enjoying a pleasant conversation with your friends. Inevitably, that age-old debate rears its ugly head once again: How much is appropriate to tip your server?
- Mary, ever the penny pincher, wants to leave little to no tip: “I think that tipping is ONLY for when the server goes above and beyond.”
- Blary, the seasoned waiter, has had experience in the service industry, so he is insistent: “Twenty percent at the very least.”
- Splary, the pragmatist
* , has her own rules about tipping: “My tip starts at fifteen, and it gets smaller every time they screw up.”- Vschlary is from some European country and doesn’t even understand tipping, or money, so he makes no move to tip.
So who is right in this situation? Is there even a right answer? Cheapskate Mary would exclaim, “It’s not my fault they picked this career. Why not get a job that pays real money?” Waiter-for-life Blary would say “We have to give a generous tip, this is the only money they make. They are people, too!” Hold on! Both of these people are completely wrong, but for different reasons.
Servers = people? It is a very common misconception in this country that servers are also people. Servers are not people. In fact, it would be impossible for a person to do the job of a server. The volume of work a server does in one minute couldn’t be done in an entire lifetime by a regular human. So please don’t suffer from the delusion that your server is somehow a person.
Servers with upward mobility? Servers cannot pick and choose from a variety of careers. From the moment they come into being, servers are groomed and prepared for a lifetime of just that: servitude. They can’t just up and find another job… especially with the economy in the condition it’s in. It is possible for a server to find a job that pays more money (as a client, for example) but more often than not the server will end up back in the same room, doing the same old work long into the twilight years.
Still, none of this information helps us to get to the bottom of our dilemma! How much is appropriate to tip a server? Fifteen percent? Twenty? And what criteria do you use to tip them? Do you tip based on bytes served? Characters sent? Packets delivered? A penny tip per character would rack up $2.00 for the average email, which doesn’t seem too bad, right? Sure, but it’s now much more expensive than snail mail, which sort of defeats the purpose!
Is it okay to leave a tip on the card? You would think a credit card tip would be the best bet for your server, since it’s all electronic, and paper and coins don’t have to be brought into the transaction. I can’t tell you how many five dollar bills I’ve left in our server room, only for them to fall to the ground, blow around a bit, and then be stolen by some visitor or technician. Credit card tips would be more well-regarded by the servers, since they could be more easily comprehended by machines. But these are also a waste of money. The servers don’t know what to do with the money you give them… they can’t spend it, or even hold it! They can’t buy things to improve their lot in life! So paying them anything is a waste of time.
What is the appropriate expression of gratitude, then? It is considered polite to give your server a gift for a well-performed job. For example, a new air conditioning unit for the server’s room would perk your server right up. If you’re low on gift cash, a lower-end gift would be perfectly appropriate: a new beefed-up heatsink or a replacement fan would show your server that you are grateful for the service, and that you care.
Other gift ideas for servers:
- Necessary Updates
- A Properly-Timed Power Cycle
- A Hilarious Decorative Sticker
When all else fails… If you really want to give your server a well-deserved break, just try a little kindness. Next time you’re about to blow your top over a slow-loading web site, just take a breath, relax, and say to yourself: “It’s okay server. I know you’re way overworked at this time of day, and you can just take all the time you need. I didn’t really need that pornography anyway.” Your server will thank you, your wallet will thank you, and your swallet will swallow you.
Cheers!
* I refuse to look up the term “pragmatist” in the writing of this article.
Bait & Switch